Where to begin... how do I sort a beginning from the thousand and one strands of thought floating in my head? Where does one even end and the other begin, or is there an ending anywhere present in the vast continuum. Some of the thoughts that seem so random contain the strangest of connections, so it is with me and with everyone I've observed.

Observation, there is a good beginning. A key to our human survival and the trait of our humanity, observation is what allows us to learn, to grow, and to experience life. If we've lost the ability to observe, can it be regained? Or doe we just stare blindly ahead for the rest of our dull existance.

A catch-22, one that can only be broken by exposing myself to a possible world of rejection and pain. How do I let someone know who I really am. Who am I, even. I don't know, I've hidden it away for so many years. TFearing the horrible outcome of choices I've made, I hide behind the mask of indecision and ease. It may not lead to the road you want and it will ultimately only lead to lukewarm relationships at best, but that is certainly better than the possible fire I'd experience otherwise, ne?

How do I explain what this rambling is truely about... I fear my past affects who I am today, and I fear that any relaizations I have tonight will be lost in the morning sun. Memories that I wish I could recall, but that only flit at the edge of space and time. And that make me wonder, when will any of it make sense.

I want you to love me, to desire and want me. But to do this means I must reveal who I trueyl am to you. Who I truely am is a person not worth loving, desiring or even engaging in conversation with. Thus the dilemma.

There, that wasn't has hard to say as I thought it would be. So I why didn't I just come right out and say it. I don't know...

I am geting tired now, and I did not write down even a tenth of what I originally wished to say. Already I can only vaguely remember most of it, and much is fading fast. Goodnight, I pray the dawn will bring better beginnings.