With you and me, bent...

This is an attempt to organize some of the thoughts that are floating around in my head. Well, ok... there aren't many thoughts floating around in there right now. but there are a few, and they have no rhytme or reason to their paths. just garbled and longing.

When I close my eyes, I can see the remnants and remains of staring and intense focusing. Instead of letting it go and just taking things as they, I've begun to tense up and ingnore. closing my mind (my inner eyesight) I've found was the only way that I could make it through without the mental pain.

It is my greatest hope and deepest desire to someday look at the world through my own eyes with my own unaided vision and see things the way they really are. Imagination as an aid to eyesight, so said Bates. Well, I've found it's very true. When I'm able to close my eyes and visualize what I wish quickly and easily, that is when my eyesight is best. And vice versa.

As I relax my eyes not only feel lighter... my entire upper body does too. In fact, I begin to feel my sinuses clearing and I notice more smells, more sensations.

An interesting point of fact... when I'm straining with my eyesight, my tongue presses against the left side of my mouth, up against my teeth. There it grinds against the teeth and the annoying dental fixtures on them. It is painful, but it reminds me that I'm straining.

The only problem with regaining my memory is that I occasionally see things that I sincerely don't wish to recall. I wonder if it was stuff like this that helped me along the path to denying my ability to visualize and recall. It seems kind of odd, but also very possible.

I can see the letters, but I can't actually make out what the say. It's like they look like strange symbols to me that I've never seen before. No, right now they're just blurry. But when they're not blurry, just slightly so, it is then that they just look weird, indecipherable.

So I'm reading the case histories of people who've had experience with the Bates method and with bates teachers. It is ver[y interesting to notice the similarities in peoples exerpeinces and in my own experieince. The stinging eyes, the headaches, the flashes of vision. The frustration and thehopes and the relaizations. As one person put it, normal sight is not exciting... it's just normal.

I think that I have a hero complex. I've always wanted high drama in my life, though I often try to avoid it at the same time. That is, I want it but when I actually get it I realize how mcuh pain it is. But all the same, I do things to myself and other people that are done with the intention of making me look like the troubled hero. forlorn, forsaken, loft and mighty. But what I didn't relize is that everything I really wanted is just normality.l It is not exciting, that builds from the normal, not detracts from it. The exciting is not different from the normal, it just appears so to those who aren't normal. So I decide not to try so hard, jjust let things come to me and happen. Let my eyes go funny if they decide to, it's normal. In fact, it's not normal sitting here typing this but being unable to actually read it. What would be the normal thing to do would be just to not worry about it and just see it. Understand that I'm seeing is firstly all in my head. If I can't see it, it's because somehow I've chosen not to. So now, I choose to actually see it.

I'm not trying to see it, I just want to see it. I'd rather face those memories than attempt to hide and destroy them. Let them come, because I'm not going to fight with them. They are a part of me, they have happened and will let them go. I will not strain to keep them around, the mind already does that (keeps them around that is). I don't need to strain to remember because the mind already remembers everything. I don't need to strain to see because the eyes already see everything.

Maybe the whole point is that I don't need to DO anything... just let things come and happen. I don't need to try to do anything. My body is already designed to do it all for me. And by body I mean everything, including my mind.